Diving Fit In 7-Days or Your Money Back

Text by Dennis Guichard

My strategy for improving my air consumption and looking less like a potato on the dive boat
Watching a YouTube documentary the other night on how in March 2022, the South African freediver Amber Filary set a new 90m Guinness World Record for the longest underwater ice swim on one breath, with no fins, weights, or even a wetsuit, I thought to myself sitting on my couch: 'That can't be hard'...!? On a recent dive trip to Sodwana, I paid a small ransom after remortgaging my car to afford to dive with Nitrox.

I intended to keep my nitrogen load to a minimum to avoid the other wise inevitable afternoon nap. But the benefit of Nitrox is that it's also supposed to let you safely dive for longer. To my dismay, not having dived in over a year and a half, I found I was often the first one back on the boat with an appalling air consumption rate. That, and the discovery that you don't get lollies after the dive anymore, which were more often than not part of the highlight.The defence was that people too commonly discarded their wrappers and sticks into the sea, and which was an environmental move, but it still somehow saddened me, which has absolutely nothing to do with my point. I attributed my appalling breathing rate to the sheer excitement I felt just being back in the water.

My 'engine' uses a lot of energy. What I lack in speed, I make up for with optimism. Well, that and the grandiose effort of energy it now takes to squeeze into a wetsuit seemingly once fit for a dwarf. Follow that with the trek across the soft beach sand to the dive boat, helping scrum the vessel into the surf, struggling yourself up over the pontoon after numerous failed attempts only to collapse on the deck floor like an up-ended turtle, holding on for dear life through the launch and boat trip, and then trying to reach your feet to get your fins on; it's no wonder any of us (speaking for myself) have much energy left to actually dive. Inspired by the YouTube clip and suddenly overflowing with optimism about what might be possible, I set my mind to getting myself back to the full level of diving fitness I'd lost somewhere back in my youth. Ageing and being an introverted desk-bound recluse, drafting articles for the DAN magazine isn't for the meek. This is a chance for a new me... well, a new 'us' if you follow the plan too...

DAY 1
Move all those empty shoe boxes you've been saving in the garage for another day to find your dive box buried under dust in a corner. Have a can of Doom and one of your kids' flip- flops handy for the roaches that have long since made your dive box their home. Chances are they will all starburst outwards in an equal level of squealing shock that your dive gear is seeing the light of day. Standing on a cooler box before you open the dive box will prove to be a smart move you'll thank me for later.

Retrieve your wetsuit, giving it a good shake to ensure no more bugs are harbouring inside. It'll probably smell worse than the current Durban beachfront, so you'll probably want to give it a cold soapy wash.

They say that the first key to success is just getting started.  A marathon starts with the first step.  Ambition is half the challenge. You've done well for Day 1; let's pace ourselves. Hang the wetsuit to dry, and put the kettle on for  afternoon  tea  and  another  biscuit. Tomorrow's another day.

DAY 2
Put the wetsuit on. As it's now at least two sizes smaller than it needs to be, you'll best start this task sitting down. You'll exercise all the main muscles in your arms and shoulders and need to breathe in deep, exercising your diaphragm muscles if you stand any chance of pulling it up over your abdomen.

It's rumoured that things get easier once you've breached the wetsuit over your waist, but with your fingernails missing, you might need to do the rest using your teeth.
Draw  the  wetsuit  over  your  shoulders, dislodging your scapula whilst trying to get your arms down the sleeves. Ask Siri to phone for a chiropractor, which you'll need for your cramping back.

At this point, you'll realise the zip is oxidised solid and doesn't move. A squirt of Q20 might help, as will laying on the floor in a puddle of sweat until the crusty seizure dissolves away.

DAY 3
Having slept overnight on the kitchen floor in the wetsuit, enjoy a gentle jog around the suburbs of only 3-5km. Slow down at the first signs of hamstring cramping.  Some light- headedness and gasping can be expected. The onset of projectile vomiting (reminding you of those tequila nights as a teenager) should be a good benchmark for when you've peaked. Try not to howl like a hyena, as this may excite the neighbourhood dogs when you might not yet be ready for a sprint finish.

After a couple of weeks, you might want to wear your weight belt or carry a dive cylinder on each shoulder.  Two cylinders are better than one for balance and protecting your back, especially if you're attracted to trying out this sidemount diving larky.

If your fingernails have started growing back, remove your wetsuit each evening. Lathering yourself in gate grease might assist in getting it back on in the morning. Drink lots of water. You're doing well.

DAY 4
Sleep

DAY 5
Pushing an inflatable dive boat up the beach sounds harder than it really is. It's easier if you get a few dive mates involved with your fitness program and keep the boat balanced on its
keel as you go. The pontoons are full of air if you think about it. By now, your fitness should be improving, so this task should be a breeze.

If you find it's too easy, you can always invite a bunch of kids to sit on the boat as you do circuits along the sand dunes.

End the session by deflating the boat pontoons and orally re-inflating them. It's not unlike blowing up an inflatable mattress when you go camping, so you will quickly get the hang of it.

DAY 6
Remove the twin 90hp Evinrude engines from the back of the dive boat. Tuck one under each arm for balance and repeat the neighbourhood run, extending your distance to a comfortable 10-12km.

You'll be surprised at how your fitness should improve and how well you adapt to the challenge. Add extra weights to your belt if you want to push yourself.

DAY 7
Sell  all  your  diving  gear  on  Facebook Marketplace and take up darts.